What I presented: A Philosophy Of Kink. Presented in Los Angeles, November 26, 2021.
Many of my readers know of my work within the alternative sexualities and relationships realm and my associated writings. I haven’t written much in that arena lately, but my recent heightened interest in philosophy ended up dovetailing perfectly in a presentation I gave at a conference for kinky gay men in Los Angeles over Thanksgiving weekend last year.
At that conference, I presented a workshop session titled “Philosophy of Kink.” I had originally submitted the title of “A Philosophy of Kink” because I don’t believe there is any one philosophy of kink or anything else for that matter. So presenting it as but one philosophy (mine) seemed prudent and most honest. When the conference program was finalized, someone had dropped the A from the title and it was listed as “Philosophy of Kink.” I was clear when I started the presentation to correct that potential misconception.
Based on my studies in philosophy and my background in the kink scene, I suggested that philosophy can inform how we approach our kink and make us better kinksters, better at erotic play, and a better set of kink communities. Using a few well-known quotes from philosophy thought leaders that I feel each encapsulate a philosophical concept, I discussed how they pertain to kink and why developing a personal philosophy of kink can benefit us all. I facilitated a discussion throughout the session, and it went quite well.
Let me caveat this post by noting that one of the great things about philosophy is that its wisdom, ideas, and guidance are applicable across the entire swath of human experience. This presentation just happened to be aimed at an audience of mostly gay men who have embraced a more adventurous twist on their sexuality. But the truth is that was simply the focus in this case and as you read the rest of this post hopefully you’ll see that the philosophical insights I used as examples, as well as all of philosophy, have universal usage in every sector of our lives. So, if you’re not of a kinky bent yourself, perhaps you can translate what I’ve written here to your own life.
I started the session by explaining that philosophy is the study of general and fundamental questions such as those about existence, reason, knowledge, values, mind, and language. Such questions are often posed as problems to be studied or resolved.
The term philosophy means "love of wisdom." In a broad sense, philosophy is an activity people undertake when they seek to understand fundamental truths about themselves, the world in which they live, and their relationships to the world and to each other.
Science is what you know. Philosophy is what you don't know. – Bertrand Russell
So, philosophy has a bunch of branches and schools of thought that touch upon topics such as logic, values, reason, morality, ethics, analysis, and theism. These are only the tip of the philosophical iceberg.
Speaking of theism and philosophy, in my freshman college Philosophy 101 class I had a professor who seemed to dislike much of what I wrote in my assignment papers. It was disheartening. One day another student resident of the campus dormitory in which I lived heard I was taking that philosophy class and asked if my professor was teaching it. I said yes. He told me “just mention God every so often in your papers and you’ll get an A in the class.” I was skeptical, but I tried it.
Sure enough, regardless of how much effort I did or did not put into subsequent papers I wrote, if I mentioned God periodically, I got an A. That is of course outlandish. No professor worth their salt should grade like that. It’s agenda-driven teaching and it’s horrible. I hated the rest of the class after realizing his agenda to push only God-centric philosophical thought. At the time I had not yet embraced atheism as I do today, but it still rankled me to have to deal with such arbitrary grading.
I posed to the packed room at the conference that there are certain questions kinksters (what many kinky people call themselves) might look to philosophy to help answer.
Why do we do what we do?
What does it mean to be knowledgeable in our kink culture?
What values does and should our kink culture have?
How does our language affect our kink culture?
Are there certain truths about our kink culture we can point to?
What does it mean to be a kinkster?
Should we all contribute to the collective good of our kink culture?
I read to the room the quotations from philosophy thought leaders, commented on each quotation, then tossed the discussion to those in attendance and they provided great feedback, additional thoughts, and often better insight than I myself had shared.
In the interest of inclusion and not coming off like a misogynistic jerk, I pointed out that many of the quotes used the male gender as a universal.
Once I read a quote and offered my comments, I asked the audience members if anyone could tell me what concept or idea the quotation was referencing and how might it apply to our kink culture.
Following are the some of the quotes I used during the presentation and my thoughts about them. In some cases, I shortened or slightly modified the quotes. Interpretations are of course mine and others with deeper knowledge of philosophy might disagree or have more to say. Again, if you don’t have any kinky proclivities, hopefully you can see how the concepts might apply to your own life.
One cannot step twice in the same river. – Heraclitus
Heraclitus was an ancient Greek, pre-Socratic philosopher living around 500 BC.
What I believe he was saying here is that change is a constant. Everything changes all the time, ongoing, forever. That’s how it’s been and how it will always be.
Like all of life, change happens within the kink communities too. How we dress, act, socialize, and identify is constantly morphing and changing. This can be a tough pill to swallow for some kinksters who have decided that their way is the right way. In the kink world, these people are often called “one true wayers” and they rankle most of the mainstream with their rigidity.
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” – Plato
Plato was an Athenian Greek philosopher of the Platonic school of thought who lived around 400 BC.
What Plato was trying to say here, as I see it applied to kink, is that while many kinksters will say what the general kink community seems to want to hear, to truly know someone you need to play with them. In the kink world play means to engage in any of a variety of erotic scenarios we enjoy.
As opposed to parroting what people are supposed to say, during play those guards are typically broken down and you see the true person. This also means that during such play one needs an environment in which to play freely and without judgment. Far too many kink environments are replete with judgment from others and this can hobble efforts to look deep into a person and determine who and what they truly are.
Now, I don’t think you have to play with everyone obviously. That would be silly. We only play with those people with whom we have some attraction, at least I hope that’s the case. But when we are attracted to someone and instigate play, the depth of connection possible is off the charts if the parties in the engagement commit to full transparency and honest reaction.
No man's knowledge here can go beyond his experience. – John Locke
Locke was an English philosopher and physician during the mid/late-1600s and was one of the most influential Enlightenment thinkers. He is commonly known as the Father of Liberalism.
As applied to kink, this means that it’s great to attend classes, read books and articles, attend discussion groups, and so on to learn about fetish, BDSM, or any of the many categories of erotic activity we generally refer to as kink, but we can’t truly understand any of it fully until we’ve experienced it directly ourselves.
Locke once stated that for the human race to acquire knowledge, they must experience different things and that without doing, seeing, feeling, smelling, or hearing, one cannot learn.
Sadly, in the kink world there are many of what I call “armchair kinksters” and by that I mean they sit behind a computer, socialize in kink spaces, or otherwise observe kink from the outside, but they don’t or rarely do experience it for themselves. These are not the people from whom anyone should take advice or call a mentor. I contend only people who have experienced kink play and deep community involvement themselves are qualified to dole out advice about such things. I’m sure some will disagree with me about this, but I stand by it.
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. – mistakenly attributed to Edmund Burke
While there is disagreement over exactly who said this, it’s most often attributed to Burke. John F. Kennedy even attributed it to Burke. Burke was an Irish statesman, economist, and philosopher. He served as a member of parliament between 1766 and 1794 in the House of Commons of Great Britain with the Whig Party after moving to London in 1750.
Periodically, we hear about things in the kink world that our cultural norms consider a consent or safety violation. We might also observe instances of sexism, racism, elitism, or shaming,
While I’m not a fan of call out tactics, I am a fan of calling in as a first step toward resolution of such instances. We need to speak up. At first we should try to engage one-on-one with the person we consider to have made the mistake. Perhaps they will see that their actions were hurtful or dangerous. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves the right to correct their mistakes without their reputation or social standing trashed.
That said, if someone does not change their actions or damaging behavior after attempts are made to call them into constructive discussion, it can then perhaps be appropriate to engage in public calling out. I consider calling out a drastic step and not one to be taken lightly. Unfortunately, I see immediate calling out far too often, especially on social media. Sometimes it’s necessary, but often it’s actually an attempt by the person calling out to signal to others their superior level of morality, status, ethics, or virtue. That’s not constructive. It’s self-serving.
In kink as in all of life, we are our brother’s keeper. Or, in more inclusive language, we are each other’s keeper.
Happiness is the highest good. – Aristotle
Aristotle was a Greek philosopher, 384–322 BC, He was taught by Plato and was a polymath with his writings covering many subjects including physics, biology, zoology, metaphysics, logic, ethics, aesthetics, poetry, theatre, music, rhetoric, psychology, linguistics, economics, politics, meteorology, geology, and government.
Aristotle is the philosopher I’ve studied the most and find the most fascinating. Aristotle provided a complex synthesis of the various philosophies existing prior to his time on the planet. It was from his teachings the West inherited its intellectual lexicon. So, his philosophy has exerted a unique influence on almost every form of knowledge in the West.
For a delightful overview of Aristotle’s life and teachings, check out renowned classicist Edith Hall’s Aristotle's Way: How Ancient Wisdom Can Change Your Life. I love this book.
I interpret Aristotle’s quote as us collectively realizing that each kinkster’s happiness is ultimately the highest good we as a community can aspire to. We’ve all heard of “don’t yuck someone else’s yum” and that sure applies to kink. The goal should be erotic and social satisfaction for all of us and that’s going to look and function differently for each of us.
Show me 100 kinksters and I’ll show you 100 different ways to present and engage in kink. There are only two metrics by which we should judge if a way of being kinky is okay. Does it make everyone happy and satisfied, and does it do no unwanted harm to the participants or others? This conjures my favorite quote of all time.
Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You. – Dr. Seuss
There are so many good Dr. Seuss quotes!
The only thing I know is that I know nothing. – Socrates
Socrates was a Greek philosopher from the mid-400s BC and is considered by many to be the founder of Western philosophy and the first moral philosopher of the ethical tradition of thought.
Socrates was saying that we should question what we think we know. It’s important to be humble and admit that we don’t have all the answers. Again, this references back to some in the kink community who engage in one true wayism, the idea that there is some sort of tradition, real or mythological, that takes precedence over personal and community growth and the need or desire for change. We need a bit of humility if we’re to function ethically within kink, or in any aspect of life.
Don’t explain your philosophy. Embody it. – Epictetus
Epictetus was a Greek Stoic philosopher, born originally into slavery, from about 100 AD,
In the kink world, especially that portion that refers to itself as the leather community, there are certain words and phrases one hears espoused often as the values by which we should live: honor; integrity; community; brotherhood/sisterhood; service; and duty, among others.
Yes, these are nice words and ideas. We of course should live by them. That said, I bristle when some in the kink world try to claim these are somehow unique to kinksters. In my mind they are simply ideal human values and modes of behavior by which we should all live whether kinky or not.
So, don’t tell me how to be a good kinkster. Show me. Demonstrate it to me by your actions, by how you treat others. Live your values, don’t just speak your values. Lead by example, not arrogant and pontificating directives.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. – Margaret Mead
Mead was an American cultural anthropologist who lived 1901-1978. She was a proponent of broadening sexual conventions within the context of Western cultural traditions and therein lies why I wanted to include this one in a discussion about kink.
Now and then I hear from a kinkster, newcomer and experienced alike, who feels they can’t have any significant impact on the overall kink community. To which I say, bullshit. Yes, our subculture like any other has its well-known people and acknowledged leaders, but every single person can make a difference, and often that difference can be monumental.
Some of the greatest advancements in our scene are due to a single person. As an example, my friend and as close as I had to a kink mentor, Tony DeBlase, was primarily responsible for the design of the leather pride flag. Over time, that leather pride flag came to represent the entirety of the kink and leather community and it’s still widely used to this day in various permutations.
Quietly with his staff at Drummer Magazine at the time, Tony created a flag design he felt best represented the leather community, leather being the term in favor at the time and still is to this day for many in the world of kinksters. Tony went on stage during the International Mr. Leather competition in Chicago one year, announced the design to the audience, telling them they can use it or not, that its popularity would be in accordance with whether the kink community found it useful. The flag, now being a longstanding symbol for that community, is a testament to the general kink public accepting it with open arms. Essentially, one man did that. One person can make such a difference.
I referenced a few other quotations in the workshop presentation, but this post is already getting rather long. Suffice it to say that the great ideas in philosophy can generally be applied to any area of life, as in this case the various kink communities. Studying philosophy is tremendously rewarding. Perhaps this small application of those ideas to one area of life will spawn your own philosophical explorations.
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"Don’t explain your philosophy. Embody it." – Epictetus
Or just:
"Don't dream it, be it." – Richard O'Brien