Accepting That You're Enough
The entire world constantly colludes to pummel us with messages that we’re not enough and don’t have enough. Don’t fall for it.
This is my 250th post on this newsletter page. When I started this newsletter in March 2021, I had no idea how it would play out over time. More than three years later I’ve come to realize that for whatever reason enough people want to read what I write here to make the endeavor a joy and not drudgery. I still find the process of writing for this newsletter pleasurable and fulfilling. So, if you’ve been with me from the start, or you’re new to this newsletter, thank you for your readership.
What I read: “How to be enough” by Allie Volpe. Published April 12, 2024.
For this milestone post, I’ve chosen a topic I return to often in my conversations, writings, and social media discourse. Perhaps because it’s been an ongoing struggle to deal with it my entire adult life, the topic of how to feel like we’re enough in a world that constantly tells us we’re not seems like one of those overarching topics that seeps into just about every other aspect of our existence.
There was a time in my life I was obsessed with constant self-improvement and I know much of that impulse was driven by external factors of comparison – some version of keeping up with the Joneses – and it wasn't healthy.
When one is in a state of constant comparison and the commensurate striving it fosters it can be difficult to pause long enough to realize…
No one will ever have enough muscles.
No one will ever be beautiful enough.
No one will ever own enough luxury items.
No one will ever have a high enough social status.
No one will ever have a nice enough car or home.
No one will ever have a job title high up enough on the ladder.
No one will ever have enough money.
No one will ever travel to enough exotic locations.
No one will ever be the coolest in social circles.
And so on.
Allie Volpe’s article is a beautifully concise dissection of the downsides of falling prey to the hedonic treadmill, always trying to move higher up a mountain that seems to grow taller no matter how much headway you’ve made in the climb.
Built into our humanity is the innate desire to not just survive, but once a survival baseline is established to find other creative life upgrades. Much of modern progress, even though some might not define all of it as true progress, can be attributed to this aspect of human nature. But we have a huge capacity to acclimate to both the positive and negative happenings in our lives that results in us quickly settling at a base level of satisfaction. Hedonic adaptation coupled with our cultural comparison obsession means the targets for which we strive will forever move father out and remain unattainable.
Breaking free of this cycle is not easy. We are surrounded all day and every day with messaging on all sides nudging us to be something or attain something always just out of reach because a rabidly capitalist consumer-driven culture needs us to always be somewhat unhappy with ourselves to sell us more stuff and services.
Although I’ve wrestled with feeling like I’m enough and have done enough, over the past few years that internal churn has calmed down quite a bit. Maybe it’s age. As my readers know, I’m approaching 70 years of orbiting the sun. 70 seems significant to me in ways I haven’t been able to adequately articulate thus far, but it’s made its mark on my psyche as a big deal.
I continue to find most of life fascinating. I have no desire to checkout of an active schedule. There are projects I’m only now just beginning and many I see in my future. There are lots of things I still want to learn. Destinations both close and distant are on my travel bucket list. My partners, intimates, and friends continue to maintain a valued place in my life and I’m sure I’ll encounter many new people with whom I’ll bond and enjoy befriending.
Life is good. But lately, it’s better.
It's better because I’ve abandoned the unwinnable race to some undetermined but still seemingly culturally attractive notion that we can and should always be a better self in all aspects of life. When you read that sentence you might wonder why wanting to always be better is a bad thing. But living a life on a never-ending treadmill can have such damaging outcomes.
It's not that improving oneself is a bad thing. Of course it’s not. But so much of our culture worships a hyperfixation on the self that conjures a constant bevy of self-hatred and self-criticism that can only serve to ultimately tear us down in the guise of improvement.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to better your life, but there are ways to counter the innumerable pressures — both internal and external — urging you to spend or labor or improve to reach your full potential.
The gist of Volpe’s argument is this.
The instinct to improve our circumstances is a functional one in a society where resources are scarce. The problem arises when those who objectively already have enough — and ample time and money — are constantly marketed endless goods and opportunities. Then, habituation and comparison fuels unhappiness
Just the other day I was scrolling on one of the social media apps and the algorithmic gods decided to render up one image after another of young, buffed, and perhaps digitally altered photos of men, all marketing something to make the buyer more muscled or attractive. For a moment I caught myself about to click a “Learn More” button before I caught myself and realized I was again falling to the comparison trap.
Volpe’s article is excellent, and it thankfully concludes with some suggestions for how to step off the hedonic treadmill.
Identify goals for personal growth and development rather than the accumulation of things (which includes money) or external rewards. Align those goals with your values. Take the time to determine if the goals match what you truly want or something you observed someone else having or achieving.
Establish a sense of enough. Many of us have enough right now to be happy and fulfilled without struggling to accumulate or achieve. We should resist trying to parrot someone else’s supposedly better existence as marketed to us by advertising or the boastful proclamations of those we encounter.
Express gratitude and appreciation for what you do have, who you are, and what you’ve already achieved. For me, this has been the most important aspect of pushing myself off the treadmill.
You and I are good enough right now, as I type this and as you read this. Sure, working on reasonable personal growth and development is a good thing. But we need to stop constantly dangling unrealistic and often vapid carrots further and further ahead because those carrots will rot and smell before we reach them.
In short, you are enough. If I can leave you with anything useful after 250 posts, this is it. You are enough.
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