Be Kind to Yourself
What I read: How to be kinder to yourself by Brooke Schwartz. Published August 17, 2022.
Everyone has suffered at the hands of self-criticism. I’m confident that’s true. Sure, some people seem to weather the storms of negative thoughts about themselves better than others, but I doubt there is a person walking the planet who hasn’t had to deal with such thoughts. I contend it’s part of the human experience.
If you’re like many people who put unfair pressure or expectations on themselves, you may know these kinds of self-critical thoughts well. This doesn’t mean you like them, but they’ve frequented your mind nonetheless.
That doesn’t mean we should throw up our hands in defeat and let such thoughts win the day.
I had never thought of self-criticism as the result of our human evolution. Perhaps that’s true. It’s difficult to envision something that feels so internally destructive having a useful purpose, but maybe it does.
When we respond with self-criticism in moments of emotional pain, we’re making a deliberate effort to reduce our suffering. In terms of evolution, self-criticism developed as a response to social emotions, such as shame, humiliation and guilt, with the purpose being to increase our sense of control, self-protect from others’ judgment, redirect our anger, and motivate ourselves to change our behaviour next time. In short, self-criticism is an evolved strategy to stay part of the in-group in order to survive.
Brooke Schwartz contends that when some people hold themselves to extremely high standards, even if those standards are impossible to reasonably achieve, they believe they’re somehow getting better, working harder, and ultimately achieving more.
I’m sure that seems sensible in many of our minds. But is it? Does self-criticism really signal more self-control? Schwartz doesn’t think so. She believes instead that it doesn’t protect us from judgment from others. Rather, self-criticism merely subjects us to our own internal self-judgment. It redirects anger at the cost of suppressing our emotions. Instead of motivating us to be and do better, it enacts self-inflicted punishment, and punishment has been repeatedly proven to not yield great results when it comes to behavior modification.
Enter self-compassion, an option Schwartz believes is the antidote to self-criticism.
What is self-compassion? Schwartz offers psychologist Kristin Neff’s definition. Self-compassion is…
being open to and moved by one’s own suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness toward oneself, taking an understanding, nonjudgmental attitude toward one’s inadequacies and failures, and recognising that one’s experience is part of the common human experience.
Schwartz breaks down self-compassion into three components.
Self-kindness: Treating yourself kindly rather than harshly.
Common humanity: Accepting that we’re all flawed and connected to each other.
Mindfulness: Observing everything as it is instead of clinging to any one thought or feeling. This reminds me of Ram Dass’s “be here now” directive.
Schwartz is careful to differentiate between self-compassion and self-esteem. The process of caring for oneself is different than outcomes-based self-esteem that is a reaction of comparison to others or to some high standard.
Self-criticism can have a number of negative outcomes including mental health challenges such as depression or anxiety. As an alternative mindset, self-compassion provides a number of mental and physical wellbeing benefits.
Those higher in self-compassion judge themselves less, experience less depression and anxiety, use more adaptive coping strategies, are motivated to grow for intrinsic reasons (as opposed to for social approval), are more self-accepting, feel more socially connected, and report greater life satisfaction. Compared with those low in self-compassion, people high in self-compassion also fare better physically: they experience fewer symptoms of illness, lower-intensity pain and better-quality sleep.
People are often entirely unaware of self-compassion as an option. For those aware of self-compassion, they sometimes discount it because they believe it will lead them to become self-centered or narcissistic. But Schwartz suggests that judging and punishing yourself disengages you from what you want to achieve and deepens patterns of self-hatred. Schwartz asks her readers to consider self-criticism as an act of violence on yourself. Compassion for yourself will end up increasing your motivation, not lessening it.
The rest of Schwartz’s article is her guide that offers ways to begin cultivating self-compassion in your life. I’ll leave the article itself to dive into more details about Schwartz’s suggestions, but here’s a brief summary.
1. Learn to identify self-criticism. This one seems like a no-brainer, but self-criticism can be so automatic and ingrained that we fail to recognize it. Schwartz offers a few questions you can pose to yourself to help decide if you’re engaging in too much self-criticism.
2. Befriend your inner critic. Once you’ve determined how you self-criticize, imagine your inner critic as an entity with which you can communicate. Whether you talk directly to it, address it by journaling, or figure out other ways to confront that critic, doing so will help you move on to the problem-solving stage rather than ruminate on the negative.
3. Reframe judgmental thoughts as factual ones. Reframing from an emotionally-charged negative opinion of ourselves to a simple factual statement can help us move away from self-generated distortions of reality so we see things more clearly.
4. Practice soothing touch. This is literally what is sounds like. As a physical manifestation of practicing self-compassion, consider hugging yourself, touching yourself gently, or indulging in self-care such as a warm bath.
5. Talk to a younger version of yourself. Many of us have personal histories of self-criticism. By mentally conversing with your past younger self, you might find it easier to access a compassionate approach for yourself today.
6. Identify your values. This one resonated with me. So much of life is improved if we identify what values are important to us. When we are not living in accordance with our values, that’s when we find self-compassion most challenging.
Schwartz concludes her article this way.
The more you practise self-compassion by using these exercises, the more likely you’ll find, I hope, that the tone of your inner voice changes and that your inner critic morphs into a loving and compassionate inner friend. Feel free to pick and choose the exercises that speak most to you, recognising that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to self-compassion – it’s deeply personal and challenging work that requires some trial and error.
At the end of the article is a nice summary of key points, a discussion about why engaging with others socially can bolster our self-compassion, and links to useful resources.
Now that you’ve read this, I hope you’ll consider fostering more self-compassion in your life. It’s something I struggle with at times, but I’ve found the more I do it the better my life is, the better person I am, and the happier I am too.
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