Choose Curiosity Over Clash
What I watched: How to have constructive conversations by Julia Dhar. Posted on TED March 2021.
I have TED Talks email me regular recommendations for videos to watch. I’m rarely disappointed in their recommendations. This video ended up in my inbox today and it immediately felt relevant to the polarized and contentious world we find ourselves in currently.
The truth is that at the core of moving ahead, whether one-on-one, in a company, as part of an organization, or as a locality or country, is the ability to have constructive conversations. It is the golden ring option we can utilize to make progress and move forward.
Looking at my own country of the United States, I see political and ideological camps that have formed appearing irreparably entrenched. I have fed that beast too. There are times I lose my temper at what I see as a body of people who want to take my rights away, suppress votes, discriminate, or move us away from progress and back to less free and prosperous times. But when that anger rises in me, I try to remember that it does little to improve the situation.
Only through constructive conversations will we be able to truly communicate with each other, individually and collectively.
Julia Dhar has been with Boston Consulting Group (BCG) since 2009 where she brings her passion and experience designing complex system transformation through nuanced behavioral change to clients in the public and private sectors. Before joining BCG, Dhar worked as private secretary to the deputy prime minister and minister of finance in New Zealand. She’s accomplished in the realm of enabling constructive conversations and her wisdom on the topic should be heeded by anyone wanting to navigate in the world while reaching consensus, understanding, and progress in every area of life.
Today we have conversations in many ways: chat, text, email, video conferencing, over dinner tables, in corporate meetings, in nonprofit strategy sessions, and in the halls of government. The strategies Dhar lays out for improving the conversations we have are simple in concept but difficult to implement. However, to not attempt to improve the conversations we have is to essentially give up on doing anything good or worthwhile in the world. It’s the linchpin activity to making the world a better place.
The video is short, just 10 minutes, but if you take in what she’s saying and try to utilize her advice whenever you have a conversation, be it small or big, magic can happen.
Dhar contends that constructive conversations that move the dialogue forward have certain essential features. The first, and I believe the most important, is that at least one person in the conversation must approach it from a place of curiosity rather than confrontation.
First, at least one party in the conversation is willing to choose curiosity over clash. They're open to the idea that the discussion is a climbing wall, not a cage fight, that they'll make progress over time and are able to anchor all of that in purpose of the discussion. For someone trained in formal debate, it is so tempting to run headlong at the disagreement. In fact, we call that clash and in formal argumentation, it's a punishable offense if there's not enough of it. But I've noticed, you've probably noticed, too, that in real life that tends to make people shut down, not just from the conversation, but even from the relationship. It's actually one of the causes of unfriending, online and off.
Over the course of the past few years, we’ve all noticed the tendency for online conversations, particularly around politics and social issues, to have reached a fever pitch. The polarization of the various opinion camps has grown starker and it could very well be the undoing of our democracy if we’re not careful.
When beginning a conversation, demonstrating true curiosity about the other persons(s) matters. Dhar references the curiosity conversation touted by Brian Grazer in his book, A Curious Mind: The Secret to a Bigger Life. Rather than being ready with a retort or to charge ahead with your own opinion, listen to the other and try to understand their perspective.
As someone with a ton of opinions, many of them deeply ingrained, I can attest that it takes some practice to shut up and listen. I still fail at that often. But I try. If I catch myself blurting out a diatribe of my viewpoint before actually listening to the other person, that moment becomes a learning opportunity for me, and I try to not do it again. I will likely keep repeating this cycle until I get it right, but getting it right is the key to, well, just about everything.
Remember that constructive conversations are likely to take place over a long period of time. Rare is the instance when resolution is arrived at quickly and without further conversation. Dhar uses the metaphor of viewing conversations as a climbing wall in which progress is slow, steady, and iterative. You learn something, adapt, and move on. Repeat. And while you do this, you keep the intention of accepting that your idea or perspective can be improved by the interactions.
The whole expectation is that your idea gets better through challenge and criticism.
One curiosity approach I try to embody is to consciously suppress my natural tendency to speak incessantly (I’ve been a talker my entire adult life) and assume that I can learn something from every single conversation I have. Whether it’s bumping into someone on the street for a chat, texting with a friend, or negotiating a sensitive problem in the corporate meeting room, I try to assume that by shutting up and listening I will learn something.
Curiosity can be relationship magic and development can be rocket fuel for your ideas.
In situations when a conversation doesn’t feel worth the time or effort, perhaps it’s because the purpose of the conversation isn’t clear. Are you engaging in discussion to solve a specific problem, find out more about each other’s intimate lives, or articulating without clash each other’s political perspectives about an issue? Honing the purpose to crystal clarity will encourage progress and promote achieving common ground. Floundering discussions without purpose is like winding up a toy car and letting it go with no idea where it will end up. Place the car on a toy racetrack and the track guides the car with purpose.
Dhar suggests a great strategy for conversations when the topic is tricky, such as the seemingly vast divide between political wings of the United States today. Perhaps use the technique of disagreement time travel. Ask the other person what kind of community, country, or world they want to see a year from now or a decade from now. This blunts the impact of present tensions and the intricacies of the current practicalities and invites those in the conversation to inhabit a future of possibility. From there a purposeful conversation can ensue.
…amid the cacophony of cable news and the awkwardness of family dinners, and the hostility of corporate meetings, each of us has this -- the opportunity to walk into every encounter, … to choose curiosity over clash, to expect development of your ideas through discussion and to anchor in common purpose. That's what really world-class persuaders do to build constructive conversations and move them forward. It's how our world will move forward too.
Everything we do in life where we want to learn deeply about someone or an issue, solve a problem, or move the needle in a political conversation, boils down to figuring out how to have constructive conversations. There is no progress without them. The world will always be better off with more constructive conversations. So will your life.