Coming Out
What I read: The History of National Coming Out Day Contains Both Pride and Pain by Kate Sosin (The 19th. Published October 8, 2021.
Today is October 11th, National Coming Out Day. It will be of no news to anyone who knows or follows me that I’m gay, polyamorous, and erotically adventurous (kinky).
I've been officially out since I was 17 but knew I was gay by the time I was 7 or 8. It was always that way. In grammar school and some of high school I attempted to be heterosexual. That didn’t go so well. To the last woman I attempted to date when I was 17, I apologize. You were a lovely person and I never told you why I cut it off.
Growing up in a staunchly Catholic household didn’t help nor did 8 years of Catholic schooling. However, my father was such a decent and loving man that when I came out, he took it incredibly well. Maybe he always knew. He never said.
For the early years of my life, I benefitted from always living in or near Chicago, a dense urban environment. It's easier to come out in such places. I know it's tougher in rural America. Friends who had to come out in a small town or conservative area had challenges I probably did not have and for that I’m grateful.
When you’re LGBTQ, this day is important. It honors the time when we threw open the closet doors. We hope it helps and nudges those who want to come out but have not yet. Knowing there are millions of people just like you goes a long way in mustering the courage to proclaim you don’t fit into the cis heterosexual paradigm. I love my heterosexual friends, but they will never viscerally understand how difficult it is, even today, to be queer.
Ah, queer. That word was thrown at me when I was younger as a mean-spirited abusive disparagement. Sometimes accompanied by a rock or bottle thrown at me too. I’m glad we took that word back from our haters. Young men in particular are acculturated to recoil at any hint of queerness and that comes out sideways in some rather mean and sometimes deadly ways. Things are getting better, but they are also retreating in the United States.
While most Americans are quite fine, or neutral, about queer people these days, the rightwing Republican conservative elements within our country are ready to roll back the gains queer people have made in terms of civil rights and respect. Trust me, if Republicans were entirely in power today, they would rescind same-sex marriage, codify the firing of queer people, and generally make life a living hell for queers who they see as simply tools to rally that portion of their base that revels in hate and division. Queers. Immigrants. People of color. Women. Truthfully, anyone who is not a white cisgender heterosexual Christian conversative man is feeling the wrath of Republicans these days.
So, days like today matter. Anytime we can remind others and ourselves that we deserve equal protection under the law and full access to every opportunity others might enjoy because of the sheer luck of being born as they were, it makes a statement that, to use a hackneyed chant, “we’re here, we’re queer, and we’re not going away.”
If by any chance you are reading this and are struggling to come out, please know there are lots of people ready to support your decision. Yes, your family might reject you. Yes, your religion might reject you. Yes, your friends might reject you. That’s happening less and less, but it happens. I hear such horror stories regularly. But there are countless people ready to embrace you, befriend you, and help you on what could otherwise be a perilous journey.
I recall talking to a young homeless man a while back. He was living on the streets of San Francisco. He had come to our great city because at 13 he had been discovered as gay by his homophobic father and thrown out of the house. Think about that. A parent threw their child out of the house for simply being who they are. Horrible. But it’s an all-too-common story.
Things are somewhat better now though. I remember watching two men holding hands walking down the Strip in Las Vegas among a bevy of tourists and no one really batted an eye. While I made the decision quite young I would never live in a closet, I see all around me people in business and private life having an easier time living out. My former company had an active LGBTQ employee group fully supported by the company. That would never have happened when I was younger. Same-sex marriage is (at least for now) the law of the land. While I’ve never been a huge fan of the institution of marriage itself, I’m aware being able to marry is a big fucking deal and it’s a social marker that we’re getting at least some of the respect our heterosexual counterparts take for granted.
If you’re wondering about some of the history behind National Coming Out Day, I’ve linked to an article you might find interesting. I was at the 1987 March on Washington the article explains was the root of the eventual emergence of this annual day each October 11th. That was quite a day.
NCOD can trace its roots back to October 11, 1987, the date of the March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights. The march, held between October 8-13, was the second queer march on the Capitol. This one aimed to draw attention to the federal government’s inaction in confronting the AIDS crisis and the Supreme Court’s 1986 ruling upholding Georgia’s anti-gay sodomy law. Protesters flooded Washington, D.C., over those five days and demanded legal recognition for gay and lesbian couples, funding for AIDS research, the abolition of sodomy laws and an end to the U.S. support of South African apartheid.
To everyone who is on any part of the queer spectrum who lives out and loud, thank you. Each day your life serves as an example. To everyone who has yet to come out but wants to, I hope today musters some bravery and resolve in you. To everyone not part of the queer communities, I hope today increases your empathy for what LGBTQ people go through and adds you to our ally ranks.
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