Having Good Conversations
What I read: How do good conversations work? Philosophy has something to say. by Stephanie Ross. Published September 13, 2022.
The ability to have good conversations is central to improving most of life’s experiences. Work meetings. Casual chats with friends over coffee. Teaching in a classroom. Hobby club gatherings. Relationships. Political discussions. Ultimately, just about everything we do in life benefits from quality conversations.
Consider the many different purposes that can be served by conversation. Of course, we speak with others – and to ourselves! – to impart information. But we also exchange words to ask questions, forge connections, vent emotions, change attitudes, gain status, urge action, share stories, pass the time, advise, amuse, comfort, challenge, and much, much more.
Having good conversations is so important that I consider it perhaps the single most important skill to improve everything in one’s life, personal or professional. Show me someone who knows how to have good conversations and I’ll show you someone I’ll bet consistently succeeds and thrives.
One of the things I’ve tried to intentionally improve in recent years is my communication and conversation styles. How I write. How I speak. How I listen. The questions I ask. It’s an ever-evolving thing and I hope I keep getting better at it.
Here are some of the things Stephanie Ross discusses in the article along with some things I’ve learned about having better conversations. Perhaps you’ll find them helpful. While communicating through the written word is an important skill, let me focus for now specifically on verbal conversations.
Read the room
Before engaging in a conversation, I do what I call read the room. Prior to uttering a word, I try to figure out who is present, how well do I know them, what do I know about them, does their personality lend itself toward certain conversational styles, and so on. To some extent, this equates to Ross’s reference to context in the article.
Most of all, the context in which utterances are delivered has a crucial bearing on their significance.
This tactic often requires one to take a beat before speaking or otherwise diving into a conversation. Better to be silent for a moment than say the wrong thing or kick off the conversation on a sour note.
Realize conversations are two-way things
Ever had someone talk at you rather that with you? That happens far more often than many care to admit. In Ross’s article, she refers to British philosopher H. P. Grice suggesting that successful conversations are cooperative endeavors.
‘make your conversational contribution such as is required at the stage at which it occurs, by the accepted purpose or direction of the talk exchange in which you are engaged.’ This principle is observed by following four maxims: of quantity (be informative), quality (be truthful), relation (be relevant) and manner (be clear).
Informative, truthful, relevant, and clear. Those are some pretty good conversation guidelines. Grice contends that if we violate any of those four maxims, it undermines effective conversations. I agree.
Speaking of being talked at, Ross points out that real or perceived imbalances of power can sidetrack conversations. In particular, we must accept the reality that we live in a patriarchal society where gender can influence who speaks and who listens. Despite progress that’s been made toward better gender equality, we have a long to way to go in that regard. Every day we witness conversation gender disparities in our personal lives or in public such as when we witness men and women in positions of political power interact.
But being talked at is different: it’s belittling. It treats the listener as an acolyte instead of a conversant.
Be quiet and listen
This one is difficult for me. Really difficult. Anyone who knows me is aware I’m a talker. It’s not uncommon for my natural inclination to be to talk too much and, even worse, talk over others before they have a chance to speak their mind. It’s a terrible habit I constantly have to work to stop.
If I were to give a single piece of advice about better conversations, it’s this one. Be quiet. Listen. Really listen to what the other person(s) has to say. Only then reply, and do so in as concise and thoughtful a manner as possible.
Ask more questions
One of the best conversation strategies I try to follow is to ask good questions. I place the importance of asking good questions above responding to others. Why? If we want to have good conversations, we need information. We need facts, opinions, perspectives, and relevant personal experiences from the other person if we’re to adequately frame and position our contributions to the conversation.
Too often people show little if any interest in the person with whom they’ve conversing. That’s a surefire way to lessen the quality of a conversation. Show sincere interest in another person or their ideas and perspectives and you’ll create an atmosphere that makes for effective communication and a conversation in which parties part ways feeling like they actually connected with the other person, that they were heard.
Whatever makes for good conversation, we can agree that it should be valued. As such, we should all find ways to enhance our conversational skills. One way to do that is what we’ve done here: to reflect on the features of satisfying, illuminating, thought-provoking, caring, searching, memorable conversation – which is, after all, the very best tool we have to create lasting bonds between one another.
Speaking of conversations, thank you for reading this. I know this is written communication and I may not personally know everyone who reads what I write, but it does feel to me like we’re having a sort of collective conversation. This is especially true because my readers often interact with me on social media. If you don’t follow me on any of my social media platforms, click the link below to be taken to the sites on which I have a presence. Thanks for reading (and for the many conversations).
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