I Give Up, Often

Being able to give up on something is often the precursor to growth and new horizons.

What I read: “On Giving Up: Adam Phillips on Knowing What You Want, the Art of Self-Revision, and the Courage to Change Your Mind” by Maria Popova.

It’s easy to give lip service to change being the only constant in life, but it’s more difficult to accept it when it shows itself. We are creatures of habit. Most of us seem to like a continuity of existence without too many bumps on the road of life, and forks in the road that take us to uncharted places can be downright scary.

Yet, if we forever remain exactly who and where we are today, that’s stagnation. We should frequently change our mind, discover new things about ourselves, explore new ideas and areas of study, and befriend new people to broaden our sense of self. Thus, do we create a robustly satisfying and fulfilling life. Thus, do we continue to hone our thinking and become a better person tomorrow than we are today.

My regular readers know that Maria Popova is one of my favorite writers and her blog, The Marginalian, is my favorite blog site. I marvel at how Popova can turn a phrase and distill vast ideas into a concise post. The post I reference here is one of my favorites lately, perhaps because it’s a topic that’s been on my mind – the necessity to continually revise ourselves and our lives.

Nothing is more vital to the capacity for change than the uncomfortable luxury of changing your mind — that stubborn refusal to ossify, the courageous willingness to outgrow your views, anneal your values, and keep clarifying your priorities.

Of course, I’ve changed my mind often throughout my life.

As a youngster I’d read dozens of books on a certain topic only to drop my interest in it entirely. I entered college as an accounting major destined for law school only to end up a dance major and leaving college my third semester to pursue a dance and theater career. Many years after leaving college when I’d already moved on to a corporate career, I spent a decade slowly studying for a college degree only to later drop the effort when I realized I’d already garnered a high-level management position at a Fortune 100 company without the degree I mistakenly felt was necessary to get such a position.

I could go on. I’ve given up on lots of things throughout my life and in most cases I don’t regret doing so. It’s been the giving up moments that have been the inflection points that moved me to new horizons.

Then there’s the internal changes of mind, the reworking of who we essentially are and what type of person we want to be as we navigate through the world. The person I am today at nearly 70 years of age is light years different than the person I was in my 20s, 30s, and even my 50s.

All that sounds like I’ve always taken to heart the wisdom of continually embracing changing my mind and life direction. That would be a lie. I have not always done so. I have often remained stuck in a mindset or situation I know needs to change, yet I don’t. Perhaps that’s the human condition to want to maintain the status quo, but it’s not the healthiest of things to do.

It is incredibly difficult to achieve because the very notion of the self hinges on our sense psychological continuity and internal consistency; because we live in a culture whose myths of heroism and martyrdom valorize completion at any cost, a culture that contractually binds the present self to the future self in mortgages and marital vows, presuming unchanging desires, forgetting that who we are is shaped by what we want and what we want goes on changing as we go on growing.

Currently, I’m amid deciding how I wish to change in so many ways. New apartment. More travel. Writing projects covering new territory. Learning new subjects I’d never thought about studying before.

Those represent the happenings of life, but my insides desire change too. I’m trying to wrap my head around completing seven decades around the Sun. Who do I want to be as I enter this phase of my life? How do I want to change to make the most of my remaining years? What wisdom can I garner from my past that will guide me to peace in this era of my existence?

None of what I’ve written here is unique to me. We all change our minds, at least occasionally. We might resist such change with white knuckled resolve, but life has a way of forcing change when we don’t naturally go with the flow of it. It’s being able to calmly and intentionally move with the flow that results in the best outcomes, but even the wisest of us will sometimes resist.

What is it you know you need to give up?

What has presented itself to you that might move you in a new and better direction?

How might you rearrange your thinking and mindset to be a better you?

Big questions. Questions we should all ask ourselves throughout our lives. The answers will change because that’s the nature of life. What seems prudent or important today might be folly or inconsequential a year from now.

It’s the asking of the questions and fully embracing the answers that are important. No one can know the answers but you even though family, friends, or colleagues might attempt to keep you exactly where you are because it serves them best if you remain stagnant.

Rooted in our hesitation to change is fear. But remember what Lady Jessica Atreides said in Dune.

Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings obliteration. I will face my fear and I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

My hope for you is that you continue to change and do so for the better. Regardless of the false starts, blips, fails, successes, lows, or highs, keep trying to change yourself and your life because there’s always something better at the end of that path.

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