Responding Thoughtfully
When we read or hear something that is offensive or hurtful, we often react quickly rather than offering a more thoughtful and potentially effective response.
What I read: “How to respond to offensive comments in a thoughtful way” by Alicia del Prado. Edited by Matt Huston. Published May 7, 2025.
We live in perilous, tumultuous times. Polarized politics, wealth inequality, bigotry and discrimination, and climate change are just a few of the many issues that can turn up the heat on our reactions to comments people make.
As active on various media as I am, I inevitably receive comments that are less than kind and often outright hateful. It comes with the territory. Anyone who speaks their truth is going to get pushback from someone. That’s life. But as Alicia del Prado counsels, a thoughtful and strategic response can be more useful to move the discourse in a better direction.
Let me insert here a personal rule I adopted many years ago, specifically in response to the tirades, drama, and quickly unfolding set of community, political, and cultural stories. That rule is what I call my 72-hour rule.
When something highly contentious pops into my social media feed, or I hear it in real time, that is based on facts or circumstances that haven’t been adequately verified and sourced, or is just high school style drama that every community and group experiences, I try to wait 72 hours before responding.
The result? My rule has never failed to serve me well. Often, the issue and drama I would have commented about has already subsided or been corrected within those 72 hours. If I do respond, my comment is founded upon more current and better information than I would have had if I had fired off a response in the moment. Or as happens more frequently these days, I might simply decide to say nothing, either because my comment wouldn’t do much but kowtow to my own need to vent or because I’ve determined no comment is the best thing to do rather than stir up unnecessary anger or disagreement.
In del Prado’s article, they write that when we are caught off guard by hurtful comments or something that offends us, we sometimes don’t respond in a thoughtful and intentional manner. Instead, we might respond in one of three ways del Prado outlines – freezing, fleeing, or fighting.
Each of these reactions is understandable and adaptive in some situations. However, each has its disadvantages in this context.
In the article, del Prado explains the specifics of those three reactions but suggests something we should do instead – forge.
Forging ahead is an intentional approach to engaging with people who say or write offensive, disparaging, insulting or discriminating words. It means leaning in and addressing the comment directly, from a grounded, genuine and courageous place. Forging can be personally empowering. And in an era when hate is on the rise, it’s important that each of us do our part to stand up to injustice, for ourselves and for others. Silence is toxic to the individual as well as to the collective.
As difficult as it can be sometimes to forge ahead carefully and strategically instead of freezing, fleeing, or fighting, it’s a superior tactic because it tends to result in better outcomes, and better outcomes should be the goal of all interactions.
It is best you read the full article to learn about del Prado’s suggestions for better interactions. Suggestions to forge instead of respond in less useful ways, check in with yourself, consider what your goal is, practice a breathing exercise to ground yourself, use the Why-Me-Ask technique, and reflect on how your approach went, when practiced together, can empower you to comment, respond, and interact more effectively (and with less stress for all parties) than if you engage in knee jerk, visceral responses.
Let me end by saying this is not easy. Our culture, especially modern American culture, is awash in lots of vehement fighting that often has us choosing to freeze or flee. Forging ahead with a well thought-out, reasoned, and dispassionate response might end up with far better outcomes whether it is in our personal day-to-day lives or the community or political landscape in which we exist. Again, it is not an easy thing to do, but I think trying to respond to contentious situations better is ultimately a superior mindset for all of us to adopt.
Check out del Prado’s book, written with Anatasia S. Kim, It's Time to Talk (and Listen): How to Have Constructive Conversations About Race, Class, Sexuality, Ability & Gender in a Polarized World.
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