The Downside Of Self-Help
What I watched: How Self Help Brainwashed Me by Nathaniel Drew. Posted October 1, 2021.
The day after I published my Stop Dangling Carrots post this video by Nathaniel Drew popped up in my notifications. The timing was uncanny.
I follow Drew and find his videos informative and inspiring. Check out his channel.
After watching the video, I immediately posted it to my social media platforms, but I was so impressed by it that I wanted to add those comments here and expound on them to preserve them in one place. Perhaps you’ll find it useful.
This video really hit home for me. As someone who has consumed a huge amount of self-help material over the years, the two words that stand out from this video as the best ways to move through life happily are "curiosity" and "adventure."
Curiosity has become a cornerstone for my way of living, how I navigate through life. If I remain curious, truly curious about everything, life is more interesting, more fulfilling, and what I learn through ongoing curiosity often ends up being practically useful in my work and pursuits.
Particularly as I’ve gotten older, curiosity has become an important guideline for me because I see so many of my older contemporaries shutting off their curiosity and settling into mundane and boring lives. I refuse to do that.
Actress Tracee Ellis Ross said it well.
As I get older, the more I stay focused on the acceptance of myself and others, and choose compassion over judgment and curiosity over fear.
Like Drew, I’ve made countless sets of goals and attempted to reach them, often with some success. But as Drew points out, when you come close to a goal it’s not “reaching” the goal and that can generate self-doubt and shut down all motivation.
This does not mean self-help (aka self-improvement, personal development) content isn't useful. It can be. But it's simply a tool for thought and exploration and should not be adhered to as if it's the ultimate truth, no matter the source, even if such messaging comes from noted philosophers, thought leaders, coaching gurus, or spiritual leaders.
I also learned a new phrase from the video that I like a lot, "amor fati." From Wikipedia:
Amor fati is a Latin phrase that may be translated as "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". ... It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good or, at the very least, necessary.
Isn’t that a great phrase? I can already tell I’m going to be referencing amor fati regularly as I experience the ups and down of life.
Here are some quotes from the video, but I recommend watching it in its entirety. Perhaps it can alleviate some of the angst many of us feel as we attempt to perfect ourselves, which is of course an impossible task and assuming it is possible can lead to so much ongoing disappointment.
This one about hitting goals resonated with me deeply.
What exactly do you do when you don't hit your goals? Do you feel guilty? Do you punish yourself? Do you pity yourself? Do you procrastinate even more? Now all of a sudden you're back here. Like, you're moving backwards. And I'm not saying that you're actually moving backwards. It's more so this feeling. It feels like you're moving backwards because these goals that we create can so easily become moving targets. You want to get “there” but there can change because as soon as you hit a goal you're going to need another goal to chase after because you're going to quickly realize that that didn't fix all of your problems.
I think it becomes too painful to accept the current reality of our highly imperfect selves, that we all have so many deep-seated fears and insecurities and that this kind of search for comfort and security is kind of an illusion. You can't ever create the ultimate fortress to protect yourself from feeling bad sometimes. This is what I call the "self-help trap.”
Later in the video Drew echoed the worldview and mindset I’ve come to adopt.
What I've come to realize is that life becomes more expansive the more open and relaxed that you are. And that's what I want. I don't want to have a perfect life that is just well-oiled systems and optimized productivity. I don't want any of that. I want an expansive life. I want to live a rich life. What self-improvement was doing was making me rigid, making me a square. It was kind of going against this kind of spontaneity and this sort of adventure.
So, watch the video. It’s not even 15 minutes long and it could improve your life considerably, especially if you’re like me and are attracted to the allure and promises of self-help material.
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