The Relationship Smorgasbord
What I read: Does 'solo polyamory' mean having it all? by Jessica Klein. Published March 4, 2022.
Over the course of my adult life, I’ve explored and experimented with a variety of styles for configuring and navigating intimate relationships. Being a gay man has perhaps given me more latitude to do this. The gay men’s community has historically been welcoming of a wider spectrum of relationship options. When society tells you for so long you’re damaged or immoral for just being who you are, there’s a certain freedom that emanates from such oppression that spawns trying new things out.
Throughout my adult life I’ve always operated as some version of polyamorous, even before I knew such a word existed. My social circle would often refer to having open relationships, but that doesn’t always adequately describe how I feel and function. Open relationship often connotes sexual freedom but doesn’t include the emotional and love components that are better described by the various permutations of polyamory.
Ethical non-monogamy appears to be the phrase of choice lately that’s often equated with open relationships, although the parallels aren’t exact. I also admit I bristle at the convention of always adding the word “ethical” because we never describe monogamy as ethical monogamy. But I digress.
Among the newly popular branches of polyamory one has emerged that specifically caught my attention – solo polyamory. When I first stumbled on the term I had one of those moments of sudden realization, the realization that it’s essentially how I’ve felt my entire life but did not possess the appropriate language to articulate my thinking.
At its core, solo polyamory refers to people who are open to dating or engaging in multiple meaningful relationships without having a ‘primary partner’: one person to whom they’re committed above all other partners. Instead, the solo polyamorist might see themselves as their own primary partner, eschewing typical relationship goals, like merging finances or homes with a partner, and getting married and having children.
Words are always an approximation of what it is they’re trying to describe. So it is with polyamory and the subsets of polyamory that seem to be increasing over time as people parse out exactly how being poly (the word many polyamorous people use to describe themselves) manifests in their lives. Also, we all change over time. Sometimes our relationship desires also change. I’ve known many a person who was a devout monogamist, who then tiptoed into open relationships, who then morphed into fairly heteronormative expressions of polyamory, who then changed yet again into living a specific flavor of polyamory. Self-discovery should be something we all continually embrace. As we do, sometimes our relationship needs change as a result.
My own path began from a fairly nontraditional perspective. I knew I was gay from a young age, even before I entirely knew what part sexuality played in my life. My initial forays into gay culture in 1972 brought me directly into a subset of the gay men’s community called leather, an umbrella term used to encapsulate a category of erotic rebels and mavericks who explore the variations of their sexuality and the identities that form around such sexualities openly and with more communal abandon than more mainstream elements of the community might typically consider. The leather community and its adherents are still thriving today although the language has become more varied to encompass ever growing demarcations of aspects of sexual explorations with “kink” increasingly being the most popular word choice. Based on my experience, the prevalence of polyamory is greater in this community and that definitely spurred my own development in this realm.
As a result, not only was I influenced early on by the more accepting nature of gay male life when it comes to open relationships and sexual exploration, but added into the mix was my network of erotic adventurers who nudged the permutations of relationship options further than did many other gay men. My polyamorous path was born.
Back to the article at hand. It discusses solo polyamory (solo poly) which is defined this way on a well-known website dedicated to the topic.
Flipping these words around, polyamory is, broadly speaking, one approach to engaging in (or being open to having) ethically nonexclusive relationships involving sex, romance, or deep emotional intimacy. What distinguishes solo poly people is that we generally do not have intimate relationships which involve (or are heading toward) primary-style merging of life infrastructure or identity along the lines of the traditional social relationship escalator. For instance, we generally don’t share a home or finances with any intimate partners. Similarly, solo poly people generally don’t identify very strongly as part of a couple (or triad etc.); we prefer to operate and present ourselves as individuals.
That’s a pretty good definition, but like all definitions the specifics often vary with the situation. While I have come to self-identify most strongly with solo poly, I’m also in a 31-year relationship with a man with whom I currently cohabitate. I also have a handful of other intimate relationships, platonic and not, of varying kinds that I consider deeply meaningful. So, while solo poly is my internal identity, many would consider me not truly solo poly. I don’t fit neatly into that categorical box, but I contend most other people don’t either. When viewed as a whole, the range of relationships from lifelong monogamous to the more radical forms of polyamory such as relationship anarchy, and everything in between, become difficult to pin down.
This points to the uniqueness of each of us. No two human beings are exactly alike. They never have been. Even when society, family, religion, and culture attempt to homogenize us into carbon copies of each other, we’re not ultimately all alike. The thousands of factors, big and small, that contribute to the making of a human being’s biology, initial nurturing development, and horizon expansion over time will never produce two identical human beings. So why should how we think about and practice relationships be any different. They’re not. We just pretend they are.
Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You. - Dr. Seuss
For those reading this who wonder exactly what the various forms of polyamory are, those definitions and categories appear to be growing steadily. Here is but one of countless articles that describe types of poly relationships. The nine types in the article are by no means all-inclusive. One could chunk each of these into smaller subsets each with its own definition. Other terms already exist. Definitional terms will undoubtedly be added to the poly lexicon in the coming years. As the social discussion takes place about polyamory, its subtle and not so subtle variations will emerge. Thus is the history of language.
The bottom line to all of this is that each of us has before us a relationship smorgasbord from which to choose. Your own current situation may make some of the options easier for you to pursue than others, but all of these options are indeed before you. Much like a smorgasbord of food, you’re allowed to pile your plate with a single type you like or add greater or lesser quantities of any number of the relationship styles. And like our gastronomic preferences, you don’t need to embrace the same relationship style over time. Never let anyone compartmentalize you into one of the labels. It’s quite likely you’re not exactly any of them but rather a combination, a delicious stew that while it may be called one thing is always slightly different depending on the cook who has put together the ingredients in different quantities and simmered them in a manner of their own choosing.
As for solo polyamory itself, misconceptions abound.
Since solo polyamorists are a minority identity, misconceptions about their lifestyles abound. From people who equate solo polyamory to monogamists dating around until they find “the one”, to those who consider it a selfish or greedy move, like “having your cake and eating it, too”, there’s a tendency to overlook the term’s more nuanced definition. Ultimately, it boils down to stepping off what’s known as the heteronormative “relationship escalator,” and opting for an alternative way to engage in romantic and sexual partnerships.
While the article referenced in this post is about solo polyamory, I believe that all polyamory is ultimately about empowering the individual with the greatest possible agency and autonomy while still getting their relationship needs met. In that sense, if one understands solo polyamory, you’ll develop an appreciation for the entire panoply of relationship options, what I often refer to as the relationship smorgasbord.
“For me, a lot of solo polyamory has been about finding ways that I centre my own autonomy, the autonomy of others and genuinely question which things I want in a relationship, rather than assuming that every relationship was going to follow the escalator,” says Powell.
Whether you are reading this and are single or in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship of any kind, understanding the principles underlying polyamory, including solo polyamory, will help you better understand all relationship options and how any of them might fit into your life.
We also change over time. Just because you might choose a certain style of relationship now doesn’t mean that’s how it will always be. You might change and therefore your needs might change. Life situations may nudge you toward a particular type of relationship. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to relationships and that includes how relationships function in your own life over time.
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