What I read: Lost perspective? Try this linguistic trick to reset your view by Ariana Orvell. Published September 15, 2021.

I subscribe to Psyche (great online publication), but for some reason never read this article before. Which is surprising because anything having to do with Marcus Aurelius usually gets my attention. His writings have been a lifelong inspiration and are considered by many to be among the foundation texts for the Stoicism branch of philosophy.

So, when Psyche’s end-of-year “Most popular of 2021 in Psyche” email landed in my inbox with this article included, I read it immediately. After reading it, I had to sit back from a moment. Unbeknownst to me, I had been doing a version of this most of my life. I’ve privately called it my secret superpower. I’ll explain that in a moment.

What the article is discussing is something that’s been named “distanced self-talk,” a technique for self-discovery and decision-making that Aurelius used as evidenced by his entries in his iconic work, Meditations.

Often, distanced self-talk is recognizable when someone uses second-person pronouns during their introspective inner dialogues.

At times, Aurelius’ thoughts reflected a first-person perspective, indexed through his use of the first-person singular pronoun ‘I’. At other times, however, he used ‘we’, expressing ideas that applied not just to him, but to humankind, collectively (eg, ‘Our life is a warfare, and a mere pilgrimage’). In other entries, he switched again, using the second-person singular pronoun (translated either as ‘you’ or as the archaic ‘thou’). Rather than being used to address the reader (remember he didn’t have a reader in mind), Aurelius’ use of second-person pronouns reflected his tendency to consider his life as if he were in dialogue with himself – that is, addressing himself directly.

For example, rather than ask yourself “Why did ‘I’ do that?” you might instead ask yourself “Why did ‘you” do that?” This process tends to distance you from your own egocentric perspective when you are trying to grapple with challenging events or emotions. It’s the power of that bit of distance that allows you to sometimes arrive at better insights and decisions. It helps you see the bigger picture.

This process of reflecting on one’s self using parts of speech that are typically used to refer to other people – ie, second- or third-person pronouns, or even one’s own name – is distanced self-talk. A mounting body of research by psychologists suggests that engaging in distanced self-talk can help us to regulate our negative thoughts and emotions in a range of situations – from working through a painful past experience to performing on a stressful upcoming task.
These findings about distanced self-talk build on decades of research showing that psychological distance – taking a perspective beyond the ‘here and now’ – is an essential ingredient for aligning our thoughts, feelings and behaviour with our goals. When using the second-person pronoun ‘you’ to reflect on ourselves, we can move beyond our default, egocentric perspective, and consider our thoughts and feelings from the stance of a more objective observer. This distanced self-perspective then opens up new ways of thinking, which can make a difference for our feelings and behaviour in a variety of emotional situations.

While distanced self-talk can help you wrestle with negative emotions, by itself a valuable outcome, its benefits extend beyond.

The benefits of distanced self-talk extend beyond helping people regulate negative emotions. The practice has also been shown to promote wise reasoning, increasing participants’ willingness to search for a compromise, and leading them to recognise the limits of their own knowledge. Similarly, in the context of navigating moral dilemmas, distanced self-talk helped research participants put aside their personal loyalties – which would otherwise cloud their judgment. For example, in a scenario where you saw your best friend sexually harass someone, distanced self-talk might help you decide to report them, despite your close relationship.

Earlier in this post I alluded to using some version of this technique myself. Did I know I’ve been using this technique? No, not at all until I read the article. It just seemed to come to me naturally in a somewhat silly way.

One day in my childhood I was watching The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, one of the few popular talk shows on television during my 1960s youth. After watching the show, I remember going into my room and playing pretend talk show. I imagined Johnny Carson was asking me questions and I was answering them. I flipped the script of using “I” in my thinking and used “you” instead.

Johnny Carson became my inner questioning muse that prodded me regularly to come up with articulate answers to questions I was posing to myself but under the guise that someone else was asking me, so I better come up with something carefully thought out and articulate. I was using a form of distanced self-talk.

I have continued this practice throughout my life and never quite realized it was anything other than my own quirky way of trying to make sense of my life, be clear in my thinking, and become more comfortable in my own skin.

Nowadays I use modified versions of this process depending on the problem, situation, or event. When I know I’m going to be sitting on a panel at a conference, I imagine various questions I think the moderator or audience will ask and I answer them. When I have just learned some complex bit of information, I imagine someone else asking me to explain it to them in the most basic of ways and it helps solidify the learning (this is a known effective way to improve learning outcomes). If I’m giving a speech or leading a class or workshop, I anticipate possible questions from the audience and answer them. No matter what the situation, some version of distanced self-talk seems to help me hone my thinking and results in more concise and well-reasoned answers.

I do this process out loud when I can. Yes, I sit by myself and talk to an imaginary person asking me questions. I’m sure over the years if anyone has overheard me they’ve wondered about my sanity. “Why is he talking to himself?”

Sometimes if I am with others or somewhere my vocalizations might be looked upon askance, I answer quietly in my own mind. I find the speaking aloud method superior, but both work.

When Aurelius wrote of our ability to change the nature of our thoughts as a means to change the way we feel, he recognised something profound about human psychology. Centuries later, research has confirmed that changing the way you think about something is a powerful means to cope with and manage your emotional reaction to it. To make this process easier, you can try following Aurelius’ lead, and work through your negative thoughts and feelings by addressing yourself using ‘you’ or your own name – that is, by using distanced self-talk you can leverage the structure of language to take a step back and see the bigger picture.

Perhaps you’ll consider using distanced self-talk. It’s powerful. Give it a try a few times and I think you’ll be surprised at the results.

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Musings from a Curious Mind

Distanced Self-Talk As Superpower