Listening, Questioning, Learning

A chance encounter at a coffee shop and how you can learn by engaging with new people, listening, and asking good questions

What I did: Coffeeshop conversation. Took place March 16, 2023.

This is a departure from my usual commentary on something I’ve read, watched, or otherwise consumed. But I feel compelled to document a rather remarkable conversation I had and why it’s illustrative of the many ways we can learn, grow, and sometimes be inspired.

A few days ago, at my usual morning coffeeshop, a gentleman sat down at the table next to mine. We immediately sparked up a conversation that ended up being one of the more interesting conversations I’ve had lately.

Out of respect for not having asked his permission ahead of time, I’m not going to use his name or the academic institutions with which he’s affiliated. Should he someday read this and want to be mentioned, I’ll gladly revise this post to include that information because he’s a truly fascinating person.

During the course of the conversation, the man told me about the university with which he was affiliated and the new university he and his wife are both about to start new positions at in different departments. I’m not going to get overly specific because to do so would likely identify them to anyone reading this, but the man and his wife both work in academic realms having to do with intersections of learning research, artificial intelligence, library science, optimal K-12 education strategies, the creation of makerspaces in university settings, and much more.

I wrote about Having Good Conversations a while back and I’m happy to report I took some of my own advice, which trust me isn’t always the case.

The first thing I did during the conversation was shut up, to listen, actually listen.

Wow, did I learn a lot in the 20 minutes the guy and I chatted. Why? Because I took some of my own advice and did two specific things. I shut up and listened. When I did open my mouth, I mostly asked questions.

The second thing I did was when I did speak I asked questions more than anything.

One of the best conversation strategies I try to follow is to ask good questions. I place the importance of asking good questions above responding to others. Why? If we want to have good conversations, we need information. We need facts, opinions, perspectives, and relevant personal experiences from the other person if we’re to adequately frame and position our contributions to the conversation.

Let me add that while I’m all for having good conversations, even more important to me is what can I learn from the conversation. That’s where listening and asking questions really come into play.

How can I learn if I don’t stop my brain and mouth from responding and listen intently to what’s being said to me? Historically, I’ve been too often ready to jump in with my next comment or reply in a kneejerk fashion rather than listening before I speak.

As for asking questions, there’s an entire learning approach centrally focused on asking good questions. The Socratic method is one of discovering answers by asking good questions. Another approach is called “questioning as thinking” (QAT), a framework where students are encouraged to ask questions to assist in their exploration of a subject. There are a number of different question-based learning approaches that might vary slightly and go by different names.

When asking questions, I try to ask open-ended questions. Open-ended questions can’t be answered with a yes, no, or static response. Rather, open-ended questions give the respondent an opportunity and freedom to answer the question with as much detail as they wish.  In How to Ask Open Ended Questions they explain what open-ended questions are and how to best use them in conversations.

Use open-ended questions for meaningful answers. One of the main reasons to use open-ended questions is to obtain deep, meaningful, and thoughtful answers. Asking questions in this way invites people to open up, because you are showing that you are interested in what they have to say.

Part of the reason I wrote this post is to cement in my own brain the importance of listening and asking good questions, especially open-ended questions, when wanting to get the most out of a conversation. This is especially true when I believe I can learn something from the person with whom I’m conversing.

Let me also suggest that the reason I had this great conversation was that I took a chance on engaging with a stranger. Sometimes the person you randomly meet might end up being an incredibly interesting person.

Also, there’s a related article in The New Yorker, What Conversation Can Do for Us, by Hua Hsu. Here’s a snippet, but I recommend you read the entire piece if you can. It’s excellent.

Cohen, a professor of English at Drexel University, is the author of “Talking Cure: An Essay on the Civilizing Power of Conversation” (Princeton). She makes the case that talking to others—sharing our stories—is how we learn things and sharpen our belief systems, how we piece together what it means to be funny or empathetic. Conversation can change our minds while sustaining our souls. There’s some social-science research on her side. A 2018 study showed that participants who had more substantial conversations reported relatively high levels of satisfaction with life.

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